We Broke Up…

I wasn’t expecting to be writing this blog post, not now, and I hoped it wouldn’t come in the future either. But ultimately, a relationship takes two, and I don’t call all of the shots. I don’t know if this piece of writing will be very coherent, but I am certain that it is the hardest blog post I have ever had to write. For that reason, I do want to keep things brief.

I’ve always been very open and transparent with my blog. I’ve invited the web into my relationship by detailing every visit we had for the last few years; and tried to give my personal insight on LDR woes. However, i’m not sure if going into detail about the where and why of my break up to an open platform is what either Bradley or I need, or want right now.

Basically, I just wanted to check into my blog to say that our relationship is over. It’s nobodys fault, and neither of us done anything wrong. It was just the distance that got in the way, and unfortunately at this time there is nothing we can do to fix that. I didn’t want this to end, but out of my respect for him, I had to let him go.

Some things are more important than love.

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We got Married! 

Brad came back to visit me and he was determined to visit another castle. He hunted high and low, all over the internet to find the right castle to visit but ultimately, neither of us drive, so we were really limited in our choice. Luckily a couple of stops away on the train is Linlithgow Palace – birth place of Mary Queen of Scots, and neighbouring is Saint Michael’s Church which was first consecrated in 1242.

St Michaels Church Linlithgow Scotland

Linlithgow Palace predates the formation of the Union (only slightly) and naturally over time the Palace became out of use and was burned out in the 18th Century so much of what we see today are ruins. Since then an array of animals have moved in from birds who sit in the bare window spaces; and bats who chill out in what previously would have been the wine cellar. It is a really beautiful palace to visit, there is a clear grandiose to the building, and there are loads of small details that still exist in the stonework of the palace which hint to that. My favourite area of the castle is definitely the Chapel space. You can imagine the room with painted glass windows reflecting an erray of colours through the space and people viewing from the arched balcony above. There aren’t loads of features or artifacts to view in this palace so the visit was over much quicker than either of us had anticipated, so we decided to head through to Edinburgh afterwards!

After a quick train journey we hit the shops. We both picked up some goodies from Pie in the Sky. I got a belt and choker, while Brad got some new wooden ear jewellery. We also stopped at the Royal Mile Market because Brad decided he wanted to be a ‘ring guy.’ I even found one that I really liked, but I couldn’t justify spending £20 on a piece of jewellery I know I’d hardly wear.

After we got bored of shopping we continued up the mile to go to Camera Obscura. I had never been before, but Brad being the big tourist that he is, insisted we go because it’s really fun. He wasn’t wrong! We done everything from turn our faces into monkey’s and get lost in the mirror maze! Before we left we even got married! For £2, the pink Autowed machine wed us in unholy matrimony in a short ceremony totally not recognised by the law. Yet somehow, we managed to prank everyone on Facebook and got a number of congratulations after our humble little ceremony!

We accidently recreated this Queen Cover

As the night hit, we met up with my friend Bethany and went to Banshee Labyrinth, Edinburghs most haunted pub and naturally home to Edinburgh’s goths. I was completely taken away by their coffin shaped tables. The pub is connected by a series of underground tunnels with some chambers that shoot off with pool tables and jukeboxes. They even have an inhouse cinema and gig space. Pretty cool, right? I must admit that my personal highlight of the visit was being mistaken as a ghost by some tourists. That is a new one for me!

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Rubbish picture, but this gave me life!!

Overall, we had a really fun day visiting the palace in Linlithgow, and then spontaneously visiting Edinburgh and conducting our very own sham marrriage. The rest of Bradley’s visit was a bit more relaxed, seeing friends, eating vegan food and watching movies. We had a really lovely time together, and i’m so pleased to finally call him my husband. 😜

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The Face of Jealousy

8030b02676e358864f34d84a2c4b6b9aLong story, short – Bradley made a new friend. A new girl had started in his work quite a few months ago and over time she became a part of his friend group. Brad shares his house with his group of friends and she will come over, hang out, watch movies – you know, do what friends do. Now here’s the catch. I didn’t even notice. How does that happen? I don’t know. But it hit me when I visited again in January for the first time in 3 months. I probably would have been none-the-wiser had I not visited Cambridge, and the only reason I realised was because they were texting loads. It’s not really a big deal, but the scenario did leave me feeling a bit confused, and of course my mind started to worry.

After I returned from Cambridge, I would find myself thinking about this girl he had been texting and my mind would wander. My mind would always cast back to my psycho girlfriend moment. I would wonder if anything was going on;  if she was interested in him and what they acted like together. I’m sure these are probably things that would run through the mind of anyone in an LDR in this situation. But the thing that concerned me the most was how did someone new come into his life and I was so oblivious!?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I don’t feel as if I need to know every move that Bradley makes. You will find out much more about Bradley by speaking to him in person than you will from messaging him online, and I am ok with that. I don’t mind waiting until we are back together to find out little anecdotes about dumb things he got up to with his friends, or a story about his customers from work. But how did I go so many months without even the slightest inclination that Brad had made a new friend? That baffled me.

The answer is pretty obvious. There was a break down in communication to some extent. Skype calls declined while I had exams, phone calls pretty much didn’t exist. All we done was text each other, but even that can be difficult to keep up when you are still going about your every day life and dealing with your own problems. Quite naturally that makes the space for things (or people in this instance) to pass us by. This whole concept was pretty difficult to get my head around. It wasn’t until I spoke to Brad about the situation that I realised it can be the only logical explanation.

That conversation in itself was difficult. How do you talk to your partner about their new friendship that seems to have sprung up out of nowhere, without it seeming accusatory? How do you even tell someone that their new friendship makes you feel a bit strange, without it coming across the wrong way? I had so many questions circulating my mind, and every single one of them made me feel petty, and like I was being silly about it because it is such a small issue. He has a new friend, so what? He is allowed to have friends, and meet new people. It’s not a big deal. But I knew that I had to talk to him about it.

This is what I meant when I said that communication is important. Some times the little things don’t matter. No one really wants to know what you eat every day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But some times, the most insignificant things do, and this is a prime example of that. Meeting a new person can seem like the most insignificant change in your life, but in a long distance relationship, it can seem like they have appeared out of nowhere. The little signs that indicate how close you have become to a new person aren’t always evident when you and your partner are constantly communicating through a screen. Sometimes these little things need to be mentioned.

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My Most Psycho Girlfriend Moment…

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Valfre

Jealousy is a horrid feeling, and yet I’ve found that while being a in relationship it is one of the easiest road blocks to encounter. In order to write this post, I have to reflect on the most embarrassingly psycho girlfriend thing I have ever done. So please excuse me as I cringe my way through the next few paragraphs. There is a reason that this post has been saved as a draft since around January…

Back when our relationship first began there was this girl that Brad had been speaking to. In his words, he was “helping her through some stuff.” I guess they were pretty close for a while. I realised that when I picked Brad up from the train station and it felt as if he had been texting her for the whole journey home as he had his arm wrapped around me. Things continued like that for a while. They would text and I would do nothing but ignore it because I trust Bradley; despite any menacing thoughts in my mind. Eventually she visited Cambridge and Brad went to meet her. He asked if I was ok with that, and of course I was, I was doing everything in my means not to be weird about it.

But after they met, Brad was acting kind of out of character and didn’t tell me much about their encounter and of course I got curious. The jealousy had pent up inside of me. I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me about, I just didn’t know what. So, like all crazy girls that your mother warned you about, I took it upon myself to log into his facebook account and read their messages. She sent things like “I can’t stop thinking about the other night” and “I wouldn’t want you to break a pretty girls heart” and while Brad’s responses were totally non-incriminating and telling her he wasn’t interested in her romantically. My heart dropped and I couldn’t help but wonder WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON!? I needed to know what happened. In my hysterical state, I messaged Brad demanding he told me what was going on, and he did. After all of the drama and catastrophe that had accumulated in my mind, it turned out that she had basically professed her love for him and he had turned her down…

Neither of us where really in the right with this situation, and I think it was one of those big learning points early on in our relationship. We both had to be open and honest and communicate with each other. But both of us had failed those tests. Brad should have told me what happened that night, and I shouldn’t have acted so crazy and just asked about it.  In a long distance relationship, you can’t see how your partner is interacting with other people, and as I learned first hand, that can drive you mad. I literally still regret how insane I acted. The only thing you can do to try to overcome the feeling of jealousy is to talk to your other half. Your partner is the only person that can tell you how it really is. It is your choice to trust them.

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GROOT

After a weekend of celebrating my papa’s 80th Birthday, I hopped on a train to London to meet Brad for the final day of International Ska Fest. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it down for this visit, but as he was DJ-ing, I knew i’d be gutted if I missed it.  I wasn’t up for doing much dancing as the night hit because I had been up since 7am. But the Last Gang crew had everyone on their feet (and others on the floor doing the splits, literally), so it turned out to be a really nice night just watching people enjoy themselves and to finally be back with Bradley for the first time since January!

last gang in town punk punx London International Ska Festival Islington Assembly Hall 2017 Devil Kicks Dancehall

The visit itself was very brief. We went back to Cambridge for 2 more days following Ska fest, so we didn’t do loads. I stole a load of Bradley’s clothes as it turned out the weather forecast was not accurate, and my sturdy winter coat just wasn’t needed as we had a wander around the shops. We even visited some antique stores where I fantasized about all the clutter I would buy if I had the money. Then for lunch we visited The Garden Kitchen where we both had some veggie goodies and I treated myself to a delicious chocolate and almond cake after admiring their cakes from the window for months now. The only thing that was missing was a dollop of creme on top of the cake to set it off!

Afterwards we had a proper “date night” and went bowling. Bradley won both rounds despite my mighty attempts with the bumpers up. Then we spent a fortune playing arcade games! Brad had his heart set on winning me a Groot toy from the claw machine and £25 later he done just that! Just as our funds had dwindled down to our final pound, lil Groot decided he was coming home with me and i’m cuddling him in bed as I type. You wouldn’t believe our ecstatic reaction as we watched the toy fall from the clutches of the claw machine and into the hole to take him home!


Despite it being a short visit, I had a really nice time. We probably created more memories in those 3 short days than we have done in some of our luxurious week long visits. We were both just so happy to be back together after such a long time apart. Even though we are in a long distance relationship and being separate is something we are used to; Sometimes waiting those extra couple of months makes the visit more exciting.

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Feeling lonely in an LDR

Feeling lonely in a long distance relationship isn’t unusual. I think most of us feel lonely in our relationships at some point or another. However, It’s not always the standard pining over your other half that everyone expects when they hear the statement “long distance relationships aren’t easy.” Of course you miss them, and wish you could spend more time doing absolutely nothing other than hanging out. But feeling lonely is much deeper than that.

It’s quite a harrowing experience, because most of the time you probably don’t recognise it as loneliness. Sometimes it is a festering emptiness that you feel without the other, but other times you simply feel as if you are out of contact. And in turn, this makes you wonder if you are as close to your partner as you were just days ago when you were psychically with them. Of course, you aren’t close in proximity but you feel… disconnected. Which is a really confusing feeling when one day you are with the person you love and happier than ever, and the next you are home and you have hardly spoken to them in 5 days.

You know you aren’t alone – your partner is always at the other end of facebook messenger, so saying you are lonely doesn’t seem like the right word. But in reality, that is exactly how you are feeling. Recognising this is an important step in conquering the feeling. But, the dire truth of the matter is that, of course there will be times that you disconnect from your partner. You are hundreds or thousands of miles apart, and battling with time differences and work schedules that get in the way of contact.  It doesn’t mean that you are less in love with them. It just means that you live miles apart and haven’t had contact in a few days.

It’s easy to doubt yourself. But the only solution to the problem is whether you can handle it. Can you cope with this feeling for another year? Another 5 months?  5 years? If you are feeling lonely right now, you probably don’t know the answer. That’s understandable, I’ve been there. When you don’t have a clear plan for the future it can be difficult to be sure of what you want. But if continuing the distance is what feels right for the moment, continue on, see where your path will take you. Otherwise, it might be time to decide your fate.

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Gifts for your Punk Rock Valentine

Valentines Day is around the corner, and it’s time to start thinking about gifts! But that can be easier said than done. Especially if your partner is a little bit unconventional, and searching the nooks and crannies of ASOS, or your nearest department store just isn’t going to cut it. In order to find your love a gift as pure and unusual as they are, it’s time to embrace some punk rock ethos and shop small. Stick it to the capitalistic vultures that are targeting you with their cupids bow to make pennies fall out of your pockets! By doing so, you can pick up some truely unique, one of a kind pieces.

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Be Mine/I’m Yours Planchette by Enchanted Rumours

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Lock and Key Patches from Halfstitchembroidery

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Human Tooth Bracelet from Bloody Woods

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Coffin Nail Necklace by Openthecellardoor

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Rose Gold Bee Septum Ring by DinanRings

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Baphomet Art by CanisOvis

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Travesty in a Tea Cup by TinPlatesStudios

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Bat Cosmetics Bag by FiMachine

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Victorian Vampire Hunting Kit by MyLittleGargoyle

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Skull Shaving Brush by GothChicAccessories

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